A gift.

A gift from ALLAH, sent from way up above. You are my child, and I am in love.

ALHAMDULILAH.

We are finally married.

Thanks to Allah.

23.12.2011

<3

not sure about this marriage thingy

haih..

Ya Allah, Ya Tuhan, pls don't be mad at me.

I dun mean to be ungrateful here, but i dont know.

to be honest, aku bersyukur sebab kau dah mempercepatkan jodoh aku. n wht i can say, ni semua mmg impian setiap perempuan. tp, kenape aku tak bersyukur sedngkan aku cuma ada 14 hari lagi utk ke hari bahagia. bahagia ke?

actually, bercinta bagai nak rak for 7 years tak menjanjikan kebahgiaan kalau berkawen nnt.

n bercinta bagai nak rak 7 tahun pon tak menjanjikan yang kau MESTI berkahwin dgn bf kau tu. TAK. tak sama skali. and for my case, disebabkan dah bercinta 7tahun la buat aku ade banyak sangattttt doubts utk wedding ni..

Boleh ke aku kawen dengan orang yg kerap pukul aku?

Boleh ke aku hidup dengan orang yg slalu buat aku menanges?

Boleh ke aku jadi isteri kpd orang yg slalu maki-hamun aku? babi sial bodoh bangang cibai pukimak tu boleh dikatakan makanan mingguan.

Macamane aku nak kawen dgn org yang lgsg tak pernah respect aku?

Kawen dengan orang yg depan kawan2 pon sanggup pukol maki aku? :(

Hidup dengan orang yang langsung tak pernah stand-up utk aku?

Hidup dengan orang yang SENTIASA menunding jari kat aku wpun tu bukan salah aku?

Boleh ke aku hidup dengan orang yg curang dengan kawan baik aku sendiri?

Ya Allah. Beratnye dugaan yang kau bagi dekat aku yg hina ni.

can my life be any sadder than this?

all i ever wanted is a bit of happiness. a loving n caring husband that can protect me.

haih. sbenanye, becinta terlalu lama ni, lagi banyak keburukan daripada kebaikkan. look at me. disebabkan bercinta terlalu lama, terlalu banyakkkkkkkkkk sifat buruk dia yg aku dah nampak. till there's no more thing dat i can put it as a gud thing that i can see in him. NO MORE.

dan dlm waktu2 kritikal mcm ni.. aku slalu terpikir, alangkah bagusnya kalau calon suami aku tu, pilihan mak n abah. bercinta lepas kawen. itu adalah yg terbaik.


TUHAN. tunjukkan lah aku jalan. berikanlah aku hidayah untuk terus bertaqwa dan menjadi hamba mu yang muslimah.

and as for him, please change him. change the way he sees me. change the way he treats me. i want him to love me, like i love him.

kalau mmg dia bukan jodoh aku... kau janganlah biarkan majlis ni berlangsung.. sesungguhnya kau tau apa yang terbaik untuk aku...

prettier.

lord, i know, all the time in my life, i wish i was prettier, skinnier, hotter and er er er .

i didnt mean to be ungrateful to what u have been given me. it jst dat, if was prettier than what i am now, i'm pretty sure dat i can make HIM happy to be with me. i just want him to be happy.

T_______________T

now tell me how pathetic is that.

life isnt fair.

that's what i've learned in my 23 years living in this life.

why cant i be pretty? whyy. sobs.

im sick to be a laughing stock. :(

friend

dear friend.

i know dat we r not bff to one another. but we used to be close. so close.

i miss you friend. i miss you... i miss you.... ;(

cubaan

penanye : tak penah cuba kuruskan badan ke?

aku : macam2 cara dah cube. yg betul, yang salah sume dah. mati je blom.

penanye : habes tu knp tak berkesan ek?

aku : well, dont ask me.

penanye : sygla kalau mcmtu, sbb perempuankan spatotnye tau n suke jaga badan.

aku : obviously im not one of them.

amekkan aku pensel tumpul skrg!

aku nak tikam dada sendiri.

gemok yang hina.

hina nye aku jadi pompuan gemok..

dua tiga minggu ni, aku menghabeskan waktu malam aku dengan menanges.

tak penah miss. tiap2 malam.

i just cant stop my tears from falling down my face when my fiance/ future husband said'

"Aku terpaksa kawen dgn kau"

"kalau aku tak kawen dengan kau, aku dah bole hidup senang lenang, pakai evo9, keluar masuk club, tukar tukar perempuan! tp kalau kawen ngan kau ape aku dapat?"

bukan sekali. bukan dua kali. bukan tiga kali. tapi berpuluh kali.

hearing to dat, i got myself thinking,

why shud i stay?

is he really worth it?

will be happy if i ended up marrying him?

"Kau ni bile nak kurus? Aku fedup la tengok kau gemok mcm ni"

the question is, kurus ke kau tu?

But i just cnt stop myself from crying when i heard that thing coming out from my future husband's mouth. from the mouth of sumone who is going to take care of me, going to protect me. well, can he protect me? honestly, i dont think so.

i decided to cancel my wedding.

i told my mother about this. she's upset. she's crying. oh my.. ;(

ape yg aku dah buat?

Tuhan, tunjukkan aku jalanmu. berikan aku petunjukmu tuhan.......

dugaan dunia.

aku taktau dugaan jenis ape yg kau bg dekat aku lately ni Tuhan.

aku tau, aku sedar, aku selalu lupe tentang kebesaran kau.

but at this point, i realise dat i cant do this without your help, Lord.

aku perlukan pertolongan kau untuk memudahkan segala perjalan

dan kehidupan aku dekat dunia ni. aku juga ingin memohon sepuluh

jari kepada kau supaya kurniakan dan anugerahkanlah aku dengan

sedikitttttt kebahagiaan. aku dah tak sanggup nak hidup mcm ni.

aku tau, aku perempuan kotor, aku hamba yang lupa diri,

but regardless of anything, i still i know dat im your servant,

and only to you i can ask for a little help, for a light to guide me

to your way, the way that has your blessing Lord.

lepas satu, satu dugaan dan malang yang datang dlm idup aku.

i just cant handle it cause im not strong enough. not to mention

betapa nipisnye iman aku utk bersabar dgn sgale dugaan

yang kau dah turunkan..

at this point....

im just too weak.....

im just damn weak.....

urusan dunia.

‎'Jika URUSAN INI baik untukku dalam agamaku,

kehidupanku serta akibat urusanku,

maka takdirkanlah untukku &

mudahkanlah serta berikanlah berkah kpdku didlmnya.

Sebaliknya jikalau didalam ilmumu bahawa urusan ini buruk untukku,

maka jauhkanlah hal itu drpdku &

jauhkanlah aku drpdnya serta takdirkanlah utkku

yg baik2 saja dimana saja adanya,

kemudian puaskanlah hatiku dgn takdirMU itu.'

tears

sometimes, i cry not because of i am sad. but it simply because i am totally pissed off but i just couldnt find a right word to express it.

and i will end up with tears on my eyes.

it happens all the time.

i am totally mad. result, i will cry.

hati.

menanges lah hati,

jangan kau tunggu lagi,

menangis sekuat hati,

seperti orang tanpa akli,

agar kau boleh bebas berlari,

agar kau boleh riang menyanyi.

remuklah kau hati,

dengan segala penderaan hakiki,

hancurlah kau hati,

dengan segala dusta duniawi.

kecewalah kau hati,

semoga kau dapat tenang satu hari nanti.

bersdihlah kau hati,

smoga kebahgiaan menjadi milikmu nanti.

kawenkan saye?

kawen? kawen? aduh. kawen ke saye? dah nak kawen ke saye? huk huk. tak ready T___T

december is getting near. alaa, please stop the clock.

aku taktau ape aku nak.

aku nak kawen, tapi aku tanak.

aku tanak kawen, tapi aku nak.

aku nak dan tanak.

aku tanak dan nak.

takde org akan paham.

aku confused.

ready ke aku ni.

is he the one?

mane aku nak tau.

aduih, nak masa pjg lagi bole tak?

macam tak brape nak ready la.

tolong saya..

effing bufday

i will always hate my bday n it simply because he always forgets.

vacay.

pictures tell thousand words. there's no need for me to say more. except saying dis, 'this was my enjoyable vacay ever. if i had a chance, i'd like to repeat it thousand times.' enough said.

i got this feelin?

i hate when this feeling comes and knock at my heart's door. heart has door? well, who knows and who really cares anyways. i hate it when im missing him. haih. i hate it.

cant do anything else, except, checking his FB every 5 minutes, looking at our photos together,

reminiscing every single memories dat we have. adoi. and, when im missing him, at this very moment, my heart is so vulnerable to fall in someone else's hand. how pathetic is that? but thats the truth.

i cant miss him and i dont want to miss him. because, everytime i miss him, i tend to miss some other guys too. call me a bitch. i dun care. im just being honest here. everytime i miss my fiance, i will miss and think about B. i dont know how, i dont know why, but that just me.

that is why, when i am missing him, i want him to call me, to response to my every posts and so forth. because if he didnt, i will start tooooooooooooo spread my wings, to a wrong direction. u get wat i mean rite.

haih, fiance.

dalam mase2 genting ni la u have to call me, talk to me nicely, tell me how much u miss me, tell me how badly u cant wait to see me and not doing otherwise.

but. no matter what it is, no matter how i miss A, B, C, D, or even Z, i will still love my fiance as much as i can. he will always be my sweetheart. he will always be my priority.

fiance, i miss you quite badly here. please be noted.

the irony of life.

its funny how it can hurts me so much... im missing someone who tends to ignored me the most..

i t i s h u r t.

when u think about that person every single second of your day, u miss every single thing that u guys always do, u miss his smile, his smell, but, little that you know, he just couldnt care less about you. and the thought of you never cross his mind. i dont know bout you guys, but to me, it hurts me a lot. it ruined my day.

dont tempt me to cheat on you. you know i dont want too, but you know that i can. i am so capable of cheating on you. dont tempt me.

your piece of attention, is all that i need rite now..

in this kinda situation, ur so far away, thousand miles away, and im in a situation where is someone is only waiting for the perfect time to take advantage.. and i dont blame him (that person). because, deep down inside, i know i want it too. but the thought of that always hold me back. but wht kills me the most, u never think of me.

it is always about you. ALWAYS.

do what you wanna do.

do whatever you like.

ignore me as much as you can. boost your ego.

but, all i can say is, i cant promise to stay loyal to you.

Right now, at this moment, i am very fragile.

and i am very vulnerable to fall in someone else's arms.

you are always the most important person in my life. but the irony is, i am nothing to you.

with me or without me, you can still be happy.

I WAS NEVER IMPORTANT TO ANYBODY. NEVER.

and im always just a piece of meat to anybody. thats what i really am.

if I DIE..

No one else knows about this, except those who read my blog. So, for those who accidently read this post, u have the responsible to tell this to my family, about what I want, if I die...

If I Die..

1. I want someone to inform my fiance, no matter where he is.

2. I want ALL my friends, yes ALL, to be informed about my death. spread the news, in FB and so on.

3. I dont want my mum and family to cry in front of my body.

4. I want my fiance to be there at my funeral, and I want him to bury me.

5. And when i die, i want my fiance to whisper in my ear, how much he loves me. regardless whether i can hear it or not.

6. If i die, i want someone to give this blog to my fiance, so that he can read this blog, and he can eventually understand how i really love him all this while.

7. I want someone to give my diary to my fiance, that i keep in my house in Rawang.

8. And when I die, i want someone to help me to tell my mum, dad and fiance, how muchhhhhh i love them.

9. please tell my friends, that i always care about them, even tho i know they dun really give a shit about me. but i ALWAYS, ALWAYS, care about them.

10. Also, please tell my housemates, A&A that i never regret any stupid things dat we did together.

11. and also, please tell my fiance, that he is the best thing dat ever happened tome. and i love him so..

12. and when i die, i wnt my fiance to always visit my mother, because i know, that she loves him too.

13. and when i die, i want everyone to pray n be happy for me.

Death is God's promise to everyone in this earth. im just waiting for my time.

miles away.

He is in Paris, and I am in Malaysia. It's thousands km away.

Im writing this blog, while looking at him sleeping, by webcam.

I dont know why, but for some reasons, i feel touched. Watching him sleeping,

touches my heart. I feel sad. I feel like there's a big damn hole in my life, in my heart.

I feel negligence. I feel wasted. I dont know. What I know is, that I miss him. I miss my fiance. And I want him to hug me, instead of hugging that pillow. fiance, i miss you. u could never imagine how much i really miss you. let me just keep it to my heart. let me just handle the burden by my own,

cause what i can be sure of, u wont understand and u will never understand how i feel. how badly i miss you, how badly i love you, and how badly i want to be around you.

Trust me syg, there's no other person in this world, i would rather be than be with you.

I know, there's no way and no chance dat u can read this stupid blog of mine. but still i just want to say sumthing to you.

take a gud care of yourself while you are in Paris. Dont have to worry about me. Because i Know who i want to grow old with. and no matter how badly my heart tempted to cheat on you, but my love for you forbid me to do such thing. because i know, it's you wanna spend my whole life with.

I DONT MIND, if u dont feel the same way as i did, because these feelings dat i have for you are real n sincere.

i have so many chances, opportunities to cheat on you, in order to make myself happy, but i chose not to.

i love you fiance..

and have faith in me when i say this,

there will never be another love, another time.

Dear Fiance.

Dear Fiance.

All i can say now is that i miss you morrreeee than ever.

I mis the way you say my name.

I miss the way you hold my hands.

I miss the way you put your arms all around me.

I miss your smell.

I miss your smile.

I miss the way you give me a peck on my cheek.

I miss EVERYTHING.

I'm sorry, but i just miss you right now.

and there's nothing i can do about it.

Fiance, i miss you.

And the phrase 'I miss you' wasnt enough to describe

how much i really2 miss you.

I wish you were here right now.

Lying next beside me.

Hug me from behind.

Kiss me on the forehead.

I miss youuu.....

Missing you driving me insane.

Missing you making me cry.

I miss you..

MUHAMMAD HISHAM KAMALUDIN,

I MISS YOU

Please call me honey. hearing to your voice can be an absolute cure to

my pain.

Call me. Please.

Lord knows how much i miss you. :(

mistake?

Of all the mistakes that i've did,

you are my favorite mistake.

And yes,

memories remain.

engagement.

Yes, it is my engagement that we are talking about.

i was engaged on the 6th of November 2010,

to the love of my life :)

Syukur Alhamdulillah.

Praise to Allah.

first interview.

my first time interview, CS. im so glad dat i have my fren, Miza to accompany me, or else i maybe fainted in front of the office entrance, perhaps! i am MOREEE than just nervous. I dont know what the hell am I thinking. it just an interview anyway! hehe, its my first time, so, pardon me. :p
the interview session starts at 9 am. however, my lovely fren already there in front of my sister's house at 7am. haha. it has been a long time since i last met her. it was like a year ago. she is, well, gorgeous, stunning, slimmmm, flawless, and adorable!
i wish i was her. :) her life seems so perfect. though she just lost his father few months ago.


*Al-Fatihah*


the interview went quite well. after done with the interviewing, me and miza went to the cinema to watch Narnia. suddenly, my sister called me told me that she just set an interview for me at Sekolah tahfis somewhere in Taman Nongchik.
me and miza went to the school in a rush, however the interview just took less than 15 minutes. the interviewer said, that he will call me on MONDAY to tell me their decision. *Fingers crossed*

And then, we went to CS again, and watch the movie happily.
it was a great movie though. thumbs up!
I never realise dat i have such a gud fren as her. we went to upper secondary school together, but then, our rship is like chipsmore. sekejap ade, sekejap takde :P
but she always there for me when i need her.
idk why, but i am quite ssad when she told me dat she will move to spore to work theere. anywayss, best of luck to her.

oh, forget to mention. dat i was shortlisted to HSBC. wish me luck.

Lord.

it hurts. i swear to you Lord, it hurts me even more now.

To someone i used to called fren.

Im missing someone I used to called fren. My old fren. Long lost fren. N I’d like to address him as A. I knew A 4years ago, in one of the social networking website, which I called, mespes. I remembered sending him a comment, sounds like this, “baju awak sama ngan baju bf saya”. And starting from that moment, WE became friends. We YM, texting, calling, hang out, sharing probs and so forth. I used to lean him my shoulder every time he feels blue, I used to be the one he looked for when he wanted to share problem. I used to be the one he’ll call when he wanted to cry. Obviously, all I can say, I used to be his close friend. But now, what kills me the most…. I no longer have him as my friend. He started to ignore me, since last year, for no fucking reason, or the least I can say, without me knowing why. Yes. It kills me. I texted him, -no reply. I posted a comment to him, -no reply as well. I bumped into him, then I try to say hi to him, but the saddest thing is, he ignored me. So obviously, he hated me now. For what reason? Only God knows.
Trust me when I say, I really2 sad about all this. I mean like, seriously. I took a sneak peek at his FB. Not to stalk, just to look. I don’t know for what reason, but I feel sad, real sad to see his pictures. I feel sad, to see his laughing with his other friends. ‘why im not there? Why im not one of his frens anymore, why?’ those kinda questions keep linger in my head.

The question is WHY.

WHY he hated me so much now. What I’ve done wrong?

Dear A,
I don’t know why you hate me so much. Seriously I have no idea. But for whatever reasons you have, I just want u to know, dat I miss having u as my frens. I miss having u as my buddy. N I miss lending you my shoulder when u need a place to cry. I miss our friendship. And for whatever reason that makes you hate me so much, I jst want u to bear in mind dat, I’m happy dat I had a chance to have a friend like you. And I cherish every single moment of our frenship. And I always have been sincere to you.

So, I apologize if I made something that obviously made u hate me, please knw tat I didn’t mean any of it. And I really, really, really, really, really, miss the time when we used to be friend….. it kills me to know that u hate me so. It just kills me.

;(
I MISS YOU A - - A -