hurt

i took my 2years-untouched-diary with a pen on my hand.
i feel like writing. and when i feel like writing, i noe that is when im hurting.
and of course, im hurting rite now. and that is why i am moving my fingers to tab here and there to share my sadness with the world.
Well, my engagement day supposedly will due in 16days from today.
i dont know. i dont know why it is so hard for me to be happy. i just want a pretty simple life, with happiness as my asset. he keeps on changing his mind. one minute, he'll say, the engagement is on, and the other minute, he'll say 'lets call it off'.
what am i here?


Dear,
even if you don't care about my feelings, about what i feel, at least pls consider about my family. about my mother who loves you like her own flesh n blood.
u hurt me enough. thats ok with me.
but pls,
dont hurt my family.
they're all i got.
I love you. and if you dont feel the same way, pls stop toying with my feelings.
its only 16 fucking days left.






Tuhan,kalau DIA membawa kebaikan pada diriku, agamaku, keluargaku dan masa depanku,
Ya Allah kau pertemukanlah jodohku dengannya. Tapi kalau sebaliknya, maka kau jauhkanlah dia dariku
dan bukakan pintu hatiku untuk redha menerimanya. Amin.

LIFE IS A BITCH.

LIFE IS A BITCH!

its totally a bitch.
aku sangat stress. sangat2. sangat2.
argh, feel like jumping from 99th floor.
bagi mati berkecai kepala.
To my sisters, yang tak tau ape2 pasal RESEARCH, THESIS n TERMPAPER,
tolong jangan pressure aku mcm korang tau sume benda.
You have no Idea what im going tru.
yes, i procrastinate. its my fault. and i admit it.
but you dont have to add extra pressure. No, hell no.
i dont need extra pressure from u guys.
let me be what i wanna be.
if i wanted to be a bitch, let me be a bitch.
its none of your FUCKING bisnes.
dont talk about responsibilities with me.
because none of you guys, are responsible with ur parents.
so dont fucking tell me about responsibilities.

You dont know, so u dont talk.
You dont know, so u dont assume.
Yes, there's an attendance form while doing the termpaper.
and you dont even fucking know that.
so pls just stop talking.
STOP TALKING LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!
you r not so good yourself.
you r not a gud example.
so what do you expect from me?
Sometimes, i wish dat my mother abort me 22 years ago.
so i dont have to live in this fucking life.
so i dont have to deal with all this fucking shit.
i just wanna die.

kehidupan ni mmg macam TAIK.
macam SIAL.

hari raya

hari raya?
its pretty lame for me.
i had enough of raya.
Raya? Boring~
seriously. i dont know why, but to me, it is nothing than just a tiring month.

I am a PARANOIA.

I am a paranoia.

I am paranoid.

I've realised this since last year.

For those, who have no idea what paranoid@paranoia is:


The person with a Paranoid Personality Disorder essentially has an ongoing, unbased suspiciousness and distrust of people. Along with this, they are emotionally detached. In order to have this diagnosis, the person would have to have seen others as having malevolent intentions, by early adulthood in different situations, as indicated by a number of different factors. These factors include: suspicion that others are exploiting, or deceiving them, that others may not be loyal or trustworthy, believes there are threats or attacks on their character in innocent statements that others do not see, and bears persistent grudges. Additionally, this is not a diagnosis which would be used if the person also has Paranoid Schizophrenia, a separate diagnosis, for example, among other diagnosis which would exclude it.



What makes me said that? Hurm. Everytime people update their status on facebook, if the status is cynical, or sound like yelling, or cursing sumone, i will have this in my mind, "is she/he talking about me"?

or, if sumone write a blog about sumthing, or about SOMEONE, i will have the same thought in my mind.

"die buat blog ni untok aku ke?"

"yela, mmg macam untuk aku je?"

then, i start to think negatively.

"kenape die marah kat aku? :( "

"kenape die tibe2 nak benci kat aku?"

and i will cont wondering for the nxt two or three weeks.

even tho, im not quite sure that the blog or the status is really for me.

isnt dat pathetic? i know. but dat jst me.

and its getting worse these days.

if someone does not reply my sms, i would have probably think like this,

"Okay, she/he hates me! Fine then!"

Why. Why.

I want this think to stop. I have to stop being too negative.

But I cant stop.

And trust me, its getting worse.

Thinking of you EVERYDAY

People always have this to say

That distance will make love drifts away

If out of sight you have to stay

Out of mind it will be one fine day.

For me I know my love will never sway

No matter how many miles between us lay

Without you near the days may be grey

But this love inside me makes everything okay.

Love is not always as flimsy as they portray

Because when absence comes into play

The heart simply grows fonder without delay

I know mine does as I think of you everyday.

head to the ache.

headache.
stressed, pressure, busyness, termpaper-ness, practicum-ness, all of these kinda shits contribute a lot in the dizzyness i have.
not to mention the depression i got from my love life, haiya. never ending story rite.
gadoh-gadoh baik, gadoh-gadoh baik.


muntah~ bluwwerk.


Penat, bosan, letih, lelah, jelak, menyampah melayan kehendak duniawi.

kenape nak ikot kan sangat dunia ni?

sedangkan kite tau semua ni temporary je.

yang kekal hakiki, kat sane. but then, we are too darn busy melayan kerenah dunia yang tak pernah sudah sampai lupakan kehendak hakiki.

woah, ayat! tak boleh blah.


but that is reality.

alpa sangat dengan kehendak dunia.


bila dalam susah, barulah pandai menyungkor meminta pertolongan dan keampunan DIA.

itulah aku.

weight is a bitch!

i put on weight.
ye, berat saya naik. naik dan terus naik. dan naik lagi. dan lagi. bagaikan juara. kenapala. huwaaa.tak payah tanye kenape intan, kau yang makan macam lembu betina lapar kenape? lihatla hasil yang memberangsangkan ini!

bila berat da naik, aku nak tulis blog pon dah jadi tade mood.


so..

bye.

berkepala pening dan bertekak loya. apakah!

jam menunjukkan pukol 5.55 pagi. im getting myself ready to school. lately ive been nausea n headache most of the time. n i dun knw why. should i be worried about it? i dun know.maybe i shud.
why do i have to getup so early just to get to school? mcmane la aku tak benci mengajar kalau mcmni. benci benci~

cant wait for this month to be over, yay!!
habeslah kamu wahai bulan augustin.
hehe. nak pakai baju. nak meneruskan hari2 mendatang sbagai educator. pfft. pretty lame.
bye.

1 month left to educate.

i got one month left to educate.

horrayyyy!!

*joget, joget!*

still got term paper to finish within this one month. phew! macamane? ntah. pasrah je la labu.

aku baru balek dari melaka. 2days off in malacca with Him and his family. it was quite fun :) one of a gud way utk merapatkan silaturahim :)

and i think, his family is growing up on me. it starting. honestly, im quite happy about dat. i start to feel comfortable to be around them. its a gud start rite? :p

well. aku sebenanye nervous. im waiting for sumthing gud dis november or october. doa2kan eh?

been waiting for this to happen since 5years back.

hopefully, kali ni, benda ni, betul2 jadi dgn izin Allah. InsyaAllah :)

Things I HATE about YOU

i hate it, when you say, u'll call me back, but u didnt.
i hate it, when i say i miss you, and you're acting like nothing is happening.
i hate it when i give tons of msgs, but u didnt reply any of it.

isn't dat sweet?

Muhammad

syg, syg!! aby bagi yek lagu just like a star corrine bailey rae.! dgr la skrg kat youtube! hehehehe

7:39pmMe

u really mean it ke aby bg saje2 je nih?

u really mean it ke aby bg saje2 je nih?

7:39pmMuhammad

i do i do!!

7:39pmMe

hehehe

acehh sayang..

7:40pmMuhammad

same2

suke tak?

7:40pmMe

suke:)

7:40pmMuhammad

iye tau tak husband die mati

7:40pmMe

hsband corin ni?

7:40pmMuhammad

pastu lgu nie tribute utk laki die

haah

mati drud OD

*drug

7:41pmMe

owh..yeke..sedey jep

7:41pmMuhammad

check laa

kesian gile

nnti kalau aby mati iye dengar lagu nie tau

janji

7:41pmMe

so..from tonite u noe dat i am the one keee nii? hehehe

nanak!

nanak!

aby ane leh tati dulu..

kite kene ade cucu cicit dulu..

aye nak ade anak atleast 4, camne?

7:41pmMuhammad

haah...from 5year ago

7:41pmMe

ehe

7:42pmMuhammad

ok je

tp iye kene janji dgn aye nnti aye tati yek kene dgr lagu nie

7:42pmMe

aby penat ah kene tggu yek branak byk kali.

7:42pmMuhammad

kalau yek lonely yek dgr lagu nie

tau?

janji

janji la syg

7:43pmMe

tanakla tati..aby ni.. :(

7:43pmMuhammad

janji je la

please

7:43pmMe

promise..

7:43pmMuhammad

yek?

janji

7:43pmMe

ye

janji...

7:43pmMuhammad

ok

7:43pmMe

nnt kalao aby gi offshore pon yek dgr lagu ni.

7:43pmMuhammad

aye nak lalek da nie

justin lambat lagi

ok

7:44pmMe

okay..

7:44pmMuhammad

luv u 4 ever

aby nk gi dah

bye

7:44pmMe

luv u too

8:25pm

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Oh.. I do love you,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look i can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is a fade,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Oh.,..
Your love,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands



Isn't that sweet? ;)



FOR ALL YOU KNOW,
I LOVE YOU MOREEEEE THAN I'VE EVER LOVED ANYONE ELSE.
THERE'S NOTHING THAT I WANTED THE MOST OTHER THAN TO BE
WITH YOU.
I REALLY LOVE YOU.
N WILL ALWAYS DO.
NO MATTER HOW IT HURTS ME.
NO MATTER HOW IT BREAKS ME.
<3>
AND THANKS FOR THIS SONG.
YOU ARE MY SHINING STAR.
AND WILL ALWAYS BE.

sAy whUttt?!

SLURRRRRRPS!!
JILAATT2!
HE IS SOOO DAMNNNN SLURRRRPPPYYY!

MOUTH WATERING.
HEHE.
jacob black/taylor lautner.
sangat masculin ye, i loike.
me likeylikey like!
yikes yikes,
likeylikeyliking.
hensemmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!
i leb you bebehhhh! haha

you r my priority when im just your last option

Never make someone a priority when all you
are to them is an option.


I noe im just an option.


*sigh*


;(

ugliness in me.

i dont want to be ugly. i dun wish to be ugly. He created me dis way. So dont blame me for being dis ugly. Blame Him. stop punishing me.


sometimes. people just dont realize. the words they used to make fun of me, can bring me down for days.


days after, i stood up, shed my tears, and live my life, normally, again.


People.


Human.


Why you have to be darn cruel?


I dont want to be like dis. I dont want to be ugly, of course. I want to be pretty, like anyone else. Why cant i? Please guys. Stop blaming me. Stop punishing me. Stop cursing me. And stop discriminating me. Please, stop it. I dont want to be like dis. I dont want to be dis ugly.


Stop hurting me with your words, peeps.

I noe Im ugly. But PLEASE.

Stop bringing me down.


Cant you just let me live my own life with my ugliness?


why must u hurt me?


I noe i am ugly. I am aware that i am ugly.

But trust me, I dont to be ugly.

I really dont want too.

zillioonsss to update!

todie, is mondie.i have ziliionssss of stories to update!


let me start with me, spending 3nights and four days at renaissance hotel. it was, fun, boring, sad, happy, pissed, all mood combined together, and i dun noe how i really2 feel. tido sane since, rabu, hinggalah ke sabtu tengahri. sabtu, check out.

saye happy, saye sedih, saye bosan, saye gembira, saya ketawa, saya menanges dan bermacam lagi. tak perlulah nak cerita part2 yang sedih, sebab dah malas dah nak cite benda sedeh ni. suke sgt tido hotel, sampaikan aku ponteng skola ari jumaat. hihihiih. cikgu jenis ape ni? heh? saye kesah ke? hehe.


move on! makan dinner kat bora ombak! tomyam sedap! nyum2. lapar perot.. adeh! hehehe. makanan murah, tempat cantek, so, okayla. not dat good and not dat bad. average. but i give an A for the view & decoration. aku dah pegi sini lame dulu. ingat saja la nak bawak 'ketat' makan sini. unfortunately, he doesnt really like dat place. nevermind then :)

pretty nice view aite? :)

okay now, lets move on toooooo....
ECLIPSE!
hahahah.


owh well, my deary, now. im no longer in edward's team! im in Jacob team babehhh! Jacob!
J for Jacob. He is so damn mother effin' hawt! cannot angkat leyy! haha. edward and bella? BORINGG! the storyline? Quite BORING~ as well. Jacob? Wow~! Stunning! Mouth watering! Slurpsss! Juicy dan Lazattt!
Saya mahu Jacob. Beri saya Jacob!!

Nak pelokkkkkk!!! *xoxo*

To me, Jacob is the hottest creature on earth.! Ops, let me rephrase. Jacob is the hottest teenage on earth. slurrrrpss!!

and....what actually should I say bout this
one? He is freaking-ly hot!

Jacob ni mmg idaman lar. haih, perfect sangat kejadian die tu.

sangat jejaka.!

sangat citarasaaa!!

aku cerita pendek2 je la k. tak larat la nak update panjang2.

habes cite pasal Jacob, cite pasal ayam penyet pulak. gi makan ayam penyet kat subang, sampai berhingus hingus idung. u shud try guys. they are quite gud. lazoat. tp pedas gila. cannot tahan. tp ofcourse la slurpy kan! slurp! hehe, gemok, gemok. tak guna diet.

ni la ayam penyet yang slurpy tu. gila rajen aku upload gamba. aku tak dapat sebarang royalti atau bayaran ye, harap maklum! haha. u shud try la. okay je. tak rugi kalau pegi. takde la hebat mana, but still, sedap gituww :)



penat la.. ape lagi aku nak cakap?


shiat! ada lagi!


whoott, whoo0tt! went to klCC, masuk kedai Fred Perry. tak penah2. saje je nak masuk. aku pon teros meluru ke arah kasut2 wanita. tgk dan tengok je la tnpa perasaan ingin memiliki yang melampau. tiba2 ada suara bertanya, "tanak ke kasut tu? ameklaa. amek yang hujung tu". hati aku teros bersinar, dan ade bunyik, chinggggggggggggg!!! macam pinggan yg baru lepas kene cuci ngan sabun axion! aku pon amekla sepasang kasut berwarna p utih. yg berhargaa AGAK MAHAL bagi aku utk sepasang kasut. tapi, takpela. Suara tu terlalu suka kasut tu. jadi nak tak nak, aku TERPAKSA amek :p

dan, inilah dia yang digembar gemburkan.

taraaaaaaaa!

korang nak ckp, mcm kasut skola ke, tak cantek ke, ape ke, lantak korang la. but to me, i like it as much as dat voice loves it! :)



last but not least,
i ended my weekend, by watching eclipse for the 2nd time, but this time, platinum ticket. tp, aku tertidur halfway, sbb sangat comfy. zzzz, aku risau je org dengar aku berdengkur, hahaha. takot. malu!

dahla.. aku penat. nak tidoooo. ngntokkk.. penatt..stress jugak sbenanye at the same time. byeeeeeee!

yours.

I don't wanna be your friend,

I just wanna be your lover.

No matter how it ends,

No matter how it start.


with <3

Birthday Gift-SSR TYPE C

ssr type-c 17".
thanks sayang for this bfday gift.
really2 appreciate this.
you know how bad i want dis. :D
i am happy.
even though its like, 7days late, but it doesnt matter!
i am so darn happy.
thanks.
million of thanksss!!
*peck on ur cheek*
xoxo

hati sentap, jiwa kacau.

hati sentap. hari isnin dan selasa, im going to be observed! aiyaaa. rase nak nanges ni. dada sesak, napas sesak. kacau bilau.

research kene reject. haih!

ape ni?

nak buat lessonplan pon aku malas ni.
bagila aku ketenangan jiwa.

22 years ago

22 years ago, when my mum knew that she had me in her womb, she decided to get rid of me, she decided to abort me, because she cant stand the mrning sickness and so on. but, eventually, one of my uncle told her to keep me. after my uncle convinced her, she had no other choice other than keeping me.

Now here I am. Look at me. Growing up as a mistake. Im a 22 year old mistake.

when my aunty told me about this story, i was just about 9-10 years old, i guess. mase tu aku tak rase ape2 pon. perasaan, nuetral.

tapi bila dah besar, benda ni kadang2 datang n cucuk2 hati aku. apesal? aku pon taktau. kenape? maybe sbb, makin besar, aku makin sedar yg im just a mistake. yang aku ni actually, unwanted child, versi halal.

pathetic rite?

haih.

If i can go back to 1988, i will tell my mother to abort me. dont think twice. just abort me. i wouldnt mine.

Mom, if you abort me 22years ago, I swear dat im not gonna blame you. look at me. You are making a big mistake in your life.

tears.

tears on my bfday, lame? yeah, pretty lame.
i dun what gets in to me, but Im just sad. he made me sad.
die kate, 'sorry, aye lupe arini bfday iye'
wtf man? aku baru je ingatkan kau, few hours before my day begun.
you spoiled my day. you just turn it to be the worse nightmare.
my bday, is the day where ppl making mistake. ppl referring to my parents.
they are making a mistake by having me.

;(

im in a massive sadness.
and today is very pathetic.
i just wanna lie down and cry.
nothing else.

bufday

28th June.

haih,

and as to you, the first You, the most important person in my life, thanks for not remembering my bday.

and to the second you. i need nothing from you. still i can srvive. just save ur money for ur coach bag.

thanks.

U.S.H.E.R!!

Usher Live in Malaysia 2010

Date: 7 July 2010
Time: 8:30pm
Venue: National Stadium, Bukit Jalil

Ticket Price: RM488, RM288, RM188 ( Numbered Seat )
RM428, RM348 ( Rock Zone Free Standing )
RM98 ( Free Seating )

One ticket admits one person only. No child sharing seat or babies in arms.

All children aged 3 and above are required to purchase ticket for admission. No admission for child aged below 3.

Call Galaxy Hotline at 03-2282 2020 or Axcess Hotline at 03-7711 5000 for further details.

USHER COMES TO MALAYSIA? NO KIDDING MAN!

But.. Wednesday? Why? Whats up with wednesday?

kenape tak saturday? knapa wednesday? besoknye aku bekerjaaa! but i really2 i wanna go n watch his show. pleaseee?

Siapa aku nak ayat nak ajak pegi niiii? Naaakkkkkk :(

NAKKKK!!!!!!!!



I will try my very2 best to b thre! Adios!

sa..yu

Sayu hati.
Bukan nya tak bersyukur, tapi.. entahlah.
aku sayu. aku sedih.
*sigh*

Bila Rindu

"bila rindu, terkenangmu sayang kurasa sayu, syahdunya jiwaku bila malam, makin kelam, jauh terbang diriku melayang.
aku rindu sentuhanmu kurasa sayu, inginkan jiwamu selubungi jiwa ini
bawaku dalam pelangi melepasi segala hati ini"

that iis what i feel now. i miss you. i miss you! I MISS YOU and i feel like crying everytime i miss you. come back please? Im yearning to hug you sooo damn tight! i love you. and yes, i miss u so badly now.



;(