kawenkan saye?

kawen? kawen? aduh. kawen ke saye? dah nak kawen ke saye? huk huk. tak ready T___T

december is getting near. alaa, please stop the clock.

aku taktau ape aku nak.

aku nak kawen, tapi aku tanak.

aku tanak kawen, tapi aku nak.

aku nak dan tanak.

aku tanak dan nak.

takde org akan paham.

aku confused.

ready ke aku ni.

is he the one?

mane aku nak tau.

aduih, nak masa pjg lagi bole tak?

macam tak brape nak ready la.

tolong saya..

effing bufday

i will always hate my bday n it simply because he always forgets.

vacay.

pictures tell thousand words. there's no need for me to say more. except saying dis, 'this was my enjoyable vacay ever. if i had a chance, i'd like to repeat it thousand times.' enough said.

i got this feelin?

i hate when this feeling comes and knock at my heart's door. heart has door? well, who knows and who really cares anyways. i hate it when im missing him. haih. i hate it.

cant do anything else, except, checking his FB every 5 minutes, looking at our photos together,

reminiscing every single memories dat we have. adoi. and, when im missing him, at this very moment, my heart is so vulnerable to fall in someone else's hand. how pathetic is that? but thats the truth.

i cant miss him and i dont want to miss him. because, everytime i miss him, i tend to miss some other guys too. call me a bitch. i dun care. im just being honest here. everytime i miss my fiance, i will miss and think about B. i dont know how, i dont know why, but that just me.

that is why, when i am missing him, i want him to call me, to response to my every posts and so forth. because if he didnt, i will start tooooooooooooo spread my wings, to a wrong direction. u get wat i mean rite.

haih, fiance.

dalam mase2 genting ni la u have to call me, talk to me nicely, tell me how much u miss me, tell me how badly u cant wait to see me and not doing otherwise.

but. no matter what it is, no matter how i miss A, B, C, D, or even Z, i will still love my fiance as much as i can. he will always be my sweetheart. he will always be my priority.

fiance, i miss you quite badly here. please be noted.

the irony of life.

its funny how it can hurts me so much... im missing someone who tends to ignored me the most..

i t i s h u r t.

when u think about that person every single second of your day, u miss every single thing that u guys always do, u miss his smile, his smell, but, little that you know, he just couldnt care less about you. and the thought of you never cross his mind. i dont know bout you guys, but to me, it hurts me a lot. it ruined my day.

dont tempt me to cheat on you. you know i dont want too, but you know that i can. i am so capable of cheating on you. dont tempt me.

your piece of attention, is all that i need rite now..

in this kinda situation, ur so far away, thousand miles away, and im in a situation where is someone is only waiting for the perfect time to take advantage.. and i dont blame him (that person). because, deep down inside, i know i want it too. but the thought of that always hold me back. but wht kills me the most, u never think of me.

it is always about you. ALWAYS.

do what you wanna do.

do whatever you like.

ignore me as much as you can. boost your ego.

but, all i can say is, i cant promise to stay loyal to you.

Right now, at this moment, i am very fragile.

and i am very vulnerable to fall in someone else's arms.

you are always the most important person in my life. but the irony is, i am nothing to you.

with me or without me, you can still be happy.

I WAS NEVER IMPORTANT TO ANYBODY. NEVER.

and im always just a piece of meat to anybody. thats what i really am.

if I DIE..

No one else knows about this, except those who read my blog. So, for those who accidently read this post, u have the responsible to tell this to my family, about what I want, if I die...

If I Die..

1. I want someone to inform my fiance, no matter where he is.

2. I want ALL my friends, yes ALL, to be informed about my death. spread the news, in FB and so on.

3. I dont want my mum and family to cry in front of my body.

4. I want my fiance to be there at my funeral, and I want him to bury me.

5. And when i die, i want my fiance to whisper in my ear, how much he loves me. regardless whether i can hear it or not.

6. If i die, i want someone to give this blog to my fiance, so that he can read this blog, and he can eventually understand how i really love him all this while.

7. I want someone to give my diary to my fiance, that i keep in my house in Rawang.

8. And when I die, i want someone to help me to tell my mum, dad and fiance, how muchhhhhh i love them.

9. please tell my friends, that i always care about them, even tho i know they dun really give a shit about me. but i ALWAYS, ALWAYS, care about them.

10. Also, please tell my housemates, A&A that i never regret any stupid things dat we did together.

11. and also, please tell my fiance, that he is the best thing dat ever happened tome. and i love him so..

12. and when i die, i wnt my fiance to always visit my mother, because i know, that she loves him too.

13. and when i die, i want everyone to pray n be happy for me.

Death is God's promise to everyone in this earth. im just waiting for my time.

miles away.

He is in Paris, and I am in Malaysia. It's thousands km away.

Im writing this blog, while looking at him sleeping, by webcam.

I dont know why, but for some reasons, i feel touched. Watching him sleeping,

touches my heart. I feel sad. I feel like there's a big damn hole in my life, in my heart.

I feel negligence. I feel wasted. I dont know. What I know is, that I miss him. I miss my fiance. And I want him to hug me, instead of hugging that pillow. fiance, i miss you. u could never imagine how much i really miss you. let me just keep it to my heart. let me just handle the burden by my own,

cause what i can be sure of, u wont understand and u will never understand how i feel. how badly i miss you, how badly i love you, and how badly i want to be around you.

Trust me syg, there's no other person in this world, i would rather be than be with you.

I know, there's no way and no chance dat u can read this stupid blog of mine. but still i just want to say sumthing to you.

take a gud care of yourself while you are in Paris. Dont have to worry about me. Because i Know who i want to grow old with. and no matter how badly my heart tempted to cheat on you, but my love for you forbid me to do such thing. because i know, it's you wanna spend my whole life with.

I DONT MIND, if u dont feel the same way as i did, because these feelings dat i have for you are real n sincere.

i have so many chances, opportunities to cheat on you, in order to make myself happy, but i chose not to.

i love you fiance..

and have faith in me when i say this,

there will never be another love, another time.

Dear Fiance.

Dear Fiance.

All i can say now is that i miss you morrreeee than ever.

I mis the way you say my name.

I miss the way you hold my hands.

I miss the way you put your arms all around me.

I miss your smell.

I miss your smile.

I miss the way you give me a peck on my cheek.

I miss EVERYTHING.

I'm sorry, but i just miss you right now.

and there's nothing i can do about it.

Fiance, i miss you.

And the phrase 'I miss you' wasnt enough to describe

how much i really2 miss you.

I wish you were here right now.

Lying next beside me.

Hug me from behind.

Kiss me on the forehead.

I miss youuu.....

Missing you driving me insane.

Missing you making me cry.

I miss you..

MUHAMMAD HISHAM KAMALUDIN,

I MISS YOU

Please call me honey. hearing to your voice can be an absolute cure to

my pain.

Call me. Please.

Lord knows how much i miss you. :(

mistake?

Of all the mistakes that i've did,

you are my favorite mistake.

And yes,

memories remain.

engagement.

Yes, it is my engagement that we are talking about.

i was engaged on the 6th of November 2010,

to the love of my life :)

Syukur Alhamdulillah.

Praise to Allah.

first interview.

my first time interview, CS. im so glad dat i have my fren, Miza to accompany me, or else i maybe fainted in front of the office entrance, perhaps! i am MOREEE than just nervous. I dont know what the hell am I thinking. it just an interview anyway! hehe, its my first time, so, pardon me. :p
the interview session starts at 9 am. however, my lovely fren already there in front of my sister's house at 7am. haha. it has been a long time since i last met her. it was like a year ago. she is, well, gorgeous, stunning, slimmmm, flawless, and adorable!
i wish i was her. :) her life seems so perfect. though she just lost his father few months ago.


*Al-Fatihah*


the interview went quite well. after done with the interviewing, me and miza went to the cinema to watch Narnia. suddenly, my sister called me told me that she just set an interview for me at Sekolah tahfis somewhere in Taman Nongchik.
me and miza went to the school in a rush, however the interview just took less than 15 minutes. the interviewer said, that he will call me on MONDAY to tell me their decision. *Fingers crossed*

And then, we went to CS again, and watch the movie happily.
it was a great movie though. thumbs up!
I never realise dat i have such a gud fren as her. we went to upper secondary school together, but then, our rship is like chipsmore. sekejap ade, sekejap takde :P
but she always there for me when i need her.
idk why, but i am quite ssad when she told me dat she will move to spore to work theere. anywayss, best of luck to her.

oh, forget to mention. dat i was shortlisted to HSBC. wish me luck.

Lord.

it hurts. i swear to you Lord, it hurts me even more now.

To someone i used to called fren.

Im missing someone I used to called fren. My old fren. Long lost fren. N I’d like to address him as A. I knew A 4years ago, in one of the social networking website, which I called, mespes. I remembered sending him a comment, sounds like this, “baju awak sama ngan baju bf saya”. And starting from that moment, WE became friends. We YM, texting, calling, hang out, sharing probs and so forth. I used to lean him my shoulder every time he feels blue, I used to be the one he looked for when he wanted to share problem. I used to be the one he’ll call when he wanted to cry. Obviously, all I can say, I used to be his close friend. But now, what kills me the most…. I no longer have him as my friend. He started to ignore me, since last year, for no fucking reason, or the least I can say, without me knowing why. Yes. It kills me. I texted him, -no reply. I posted a comment to him, -no reply as well. I bumped into him, then I try to say hi to him, but the saddest thing is, he ignored me. So obviously, he hated me now. For what reason? Only God knows.
Trust me when I say, I really2 sad about all this. I mean like, seriously. I took a sneak peek at his FB. Not to stalk, just to look. I don’t know for what reason, but I feel sad, real sad to see his pictures. I feel sad, to see his laughing with his other friends. ‘why im not there? Why im not one of his frens anymore, why?’ those kinda questions keep linger in my head.

The question is WHY.

WHY he hated me so much now. What I’ve done wrong?

Dear A,
I don’t know why you hate me so much. Seriously I have no idea. But for whatever reasons you have, I just want u to know, dat I miss having u as my frens. I miss having u as my buddy. N I miss lending you my shoulder when u need a place to cry. I miss our friendship. And for whatever reason that makes you hate me so much, I jst want u to bear in mind dat, I’m happy dat I had a chance to have a friend like you. And I cherish every single moment of our frenship. And I always have been sincere to you.

So, I apologize if I made something that obviously made u hate me, please knw tat I didn’t mean any of it. And I really, really, really, really, really, miss the time when we used to be friend….. it kills me to know that u hate me so. It just kills me.

;(
I MISS YOU A - - A -

A little prayer

kalau DIA membawa kebaikan pada diriku, agamaku, keluargaku dan masa depanku, kau pertemukanlah jodohku dengannya. Tapi kalau sebaliknya, maka kau jauhkanlah dia dariku dan bukakan pintu hatiku untuk redha menerimanya.

Amin. >.<

hurt

i took my 2years-untouched-diary with a pen on my hand.
i feel like writing. and when i feel like writing, i noe that is when im hurting.
and of course, im hurting rite now. and that is why i am moving my fingers to tab here and there to share my sadness with the world.
Well, my engagement day supposedly will due in 16days from today.
i dont know. i dont know why it is so hard for me to be happy. i just want a pretty simple life, with happiness as my asset. he keeps on changing his mind. one minute, he'll say, the engagement is on, and the other minute, he'll say 'lets call it off'.
what am i here?


Dear,
even if you don't care about my feelings, about what i feel, at least pls consider about my family. about my mother who loves you like her own flesh n blood.
u hurt me enough. thats ok with me.
but pls,
dont hurt my family.
they're all i got.
I love you. and if you dont feel the same way, pls stop toying with my feelings.
its only 16 fucking days left.






Tuhan,kalau DIA membawa kebaikan pada diriku, agamaku, keluargaku dan masa depanku,
Ya Allah kau pertemukanlah jodohku dengannya. Tapi kalau sebaliknya, maka kau jauhkanlah dia dariku
dan bukakan pintu hatiku untuk redha menerimanya. Amin.

LIFE IS A BITCH.

LIFE IS A BITCH!

its totally a bitch.
aku sangat stress. sangat2. sangat2.
argh, feel like jumping from 99th floor.
bagi mati berkecai kepala.
To my sisters, yang tak tau ape2 pasal RESEARCH, THESIS n TERMPAPER,
tolong jangan pressure aku mcm korang tau sume benda.
You have no Idea what im going tru.
yes, i procrastinate. its my fault. and i admit it.
but you dont have to add extra pressure. No, hell no.
i dont need extra pressure from u guys.
let me be what i wanna be.
if i wanted to be a bitch, let me be a bitch.
its none of your FUCKING bisnes.
dont talk about responsibilities with me.
because none of you guys, are responsible with ur parents.
so dont fucking tell me about responsibilities.

You dont know, so u dont talk.
You dont know, so u dont assume.
Yes, there's an attendance form while doing the termpaper.
and you dont even fucking know that.
so pls just stop talking.
STOP TALKING LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!
you r not so good yourself.
you r not a gud example.
so what do you expect from me?
Sometimes, i wish dat my mother abort me 22 years ago.
so i dont have to live in this fucking life.
so i dont have to deal with all this fucking shit.
i just wanna die.

kehidupan ni mmg macam TAIK.
macam SIAL.

hari raya

hari raya?
its pretty lame for me.
i had enough of raya.
Raya? Boring~
seriously. i dont know why, but to me, it is nothing than just a tiring month.

I am a PARANOIA.

I am a paranoia.

I am paranoid.

I've realised this since last year.

For those, who have no idea what paranoid@paranoia is:


The person with a Paranoid Personality Disorder essentially has an ongoing, unbased suspiciousness and distrust of people. Along with this, they are emotionally detached. In order to have this diagnosis, the person would have to have seen others as having malevolent intentions, by early adulthood in different situations, as indicated by a number of different factors. These factors include: suspicion that others are exploiting, or deceiving them, that others may not be loyal or trustworthy, believes there are threats or attacks on their character in innocent statements that others do not see, and bears persistent grudges. Additionally, this is not a diagnosis which would be used if the person also has Paranoid Schizophrenia, a separate diagnosis, for example, among other diagnosis which would exclude it.



What makes me said that? Hurm. Everytime people update their status on facebook, if the status is cynical, or sound like yelling, or cursing sumone, i will have this in my mind, "is she/he talking about me"?

or, if sumone write a blog about sumthing, or about SOMEONE, i will have the same thought in my mind.

"die buat blog ni untok aku ke?"

"yela, mmg macam untuk aku je?"

then, i start to think negatively.

"kenape die marah kat aku? :( "

"kenape die tibe2 nak benci kat aku?"

and i will cont wondering for the nxt two or three weeks.

even tho, im not quite sure that the blog or the status is really for me.

isnt dat pathetic? i know. but dat jst me.

and its getting worse these days.

if someone does not reply my sms, i would have probably think like this,

"Okay, she/he hates me! Fine then!"

Why. Why.

I want this think to stop. I have to stop being too negative.

But I cant stop.

And trust me, its getting worse.

Thinking of you EVERYDAY

People always have this to say

That distance will make love drifts away

If out of sight you have to stay

Out of mind it will be one fine day.

For me I know my love will never sway

No matter how many miles between us lay

Without you near the days may be grey

But this love inside me makes everything okay.

Love is not always as flimsy as they portray

Because when absence comes into play

The heart simply grows fonder without delay

I know mine does as I think of you everyday.

head to the ache.

headache.
stressed, pressure, busyness, termpaper-ness, practicum-ness, all of these kinda shits contribute a lot in the dizzyness i have.
not to mention the depression i got from my love life, haiya. never ending story rite.
gadoh-gadoh baik, gadoh-gadoh baik.


muntah~ bluwwerk.


Penat, bosan, letih, lelah, jelak, menyampah melayan kehendak duniawi.

kenape nak ikot kan sangat dunia ni?

sedangkan kite tau semua ni temporary je.

yang kekal hakiki, kat sane. but then, we are too darn busy melayan kerenah dunia yang tak pernah sudah sampai lupakan kehendak hakiki.

woah, ayat! tak boleh blah.


but that is reality.

alpa sangat dengan kehendak dunia.


bila dalam susah, barulah pandai menyungkor meminta pertolongan dan keampunan DIA.

itulah aku.

weight is a bitch!

i put on weight.
ye, berat saya naik. naik dan terus naik. dan naik lagi. dan lagi. bagaikan juara. kenapala. huwaaa.tak payah tanye kenape intan, kau yang makan macam lembu betina lapar kenape? lihatla hasil yang memberangsangkan ini!

bila berat da naik, aku nak tulis blog pon dah jadi tade mood.


so..

bye.

berkepala pening dan bertekak loya. apakah!

jam menunjukkan pukol 5.55 pagi. im getting myself ready to school. lately ive been nausea n headache most of the time. n i dun knw why. should i be worried about it? i dun know.maybe i shud.
why do i have to getup so early just to get to school? mcmane la aku tak benci mengajar kalau mcmni. benci benci~

cant wait for this month to be over, yay!!
habeslah kamu wahai bulan augustin.
hehe. nak pakai baju. nak meneruskan hari2 mendatang sbagai educator. pfft. pretty lame.
bye.

1 month left to educate.

i got one month left to educate.

horrayyyy!!

*joget, joget!*

still got term paper to finish within this one month. phew! macamane? ntah. pasrah je la labu.

aku baru balek dari melaka. 2days off in malacca with Him and his family. it was quite fun :) one of a gud way utk merapatkan silaturahim :)

and i think, his family is growing up on me. it starting. honestly, im quite happy about dat. i start to feel comfortable to be around them. its a gud start rite? :p

well. aku sebenanye nervous. im waiting for sumthing gud dis november or october. doa2kan eh?

been waiting for this to happen since 5years back.

hopefully, kali ni, benda ni, betul2 jadi dgn izin Allah. InsyaAllah :)

Things I HATE about YOU

i hate it, when you say, u'll call me back, but u didnt.
i hate it, when i say i miss you, and you're acting like nothing is happening.
i hate it when i give tons of msgs, but u didnt reply any of it.